Losing Sanity
by StrangeBlueThings
Summary: After something terrible happens to Clary, her relationship with Jace is slowly falling apart, while a certain someone is back and watches them. Waiting for his chance to destroy them even more than he already had.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there.**

**So this is my first story and yea. . . It's a little bit... disturbing but I hope you'll like it anyways **

**I don't own anything yadda yadda ^^. . .**

**Chapter 1**

I don't know if it's the sky that's black or if my vision is giving out again.

Neither do I know how long I've been laying here but I'm pretty sure I've been unconscious for a while.

My legs won't move. I can't get up and everytime I try I see black dots before my eyes.

The only "positive" thing is that I don't feel anything. I guess it's … not good to feel nothing but I really don't care at the moment.

But I have to get up. I bet they're worried by now.

I try again. My legs won't budge.

Suddenly I remember my cellphone. I could call him, to tell him to come and save me like he always does. _But I can never tell him. _

I lift my arm weakly and grasp my phone a few inches away from me.

_Must have fallen out of my bag, I guess._

There's a huge crack through the display but it's still working.

_Thank the Angel I have him on speed dial._

I hit 3 and jam the phone against my ear while it dialed his number.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

"_Clary?"_

His voice is breathtaking. I forget how to speak until he says my name again, this time a little panicked.

"_Clary, what's wrong, where the hell are you?"_

"I don't know" I croak. My voice cracks and I cough, black blood coming out f my mouth. It hurts to speak, it even hurts to hold the phone against my ear.

His voice was scary when he spoke again.

"_What happened?"_

But I don't want to answer him. It isn't real. I'm dreaming. A nightmare.

"I can't move, please come." I whisper. And the thought of him coming for me makes me smile.

He knows something is wrong. I hear him telling Magnus to track me down before he he says

"_I'm coming." _and hangs up.

It's starting to hurt. Slowly, but I can feel it now. The scratches, the bruises forming on my legs, my stomach, everywhere.

Blood drips down my nose and my lip is split. I don't know what else is broken but given that I can't move my legs, I guess at least one of them is broken, too.

And it is cold. My tights and underwear hang between my knees. The wires of my Bra making holes between my breasts, the end of it sticking underneath my skin. My dress is shredded and ripped to nearly nothing, a few frazzles flying through the air as the wind picks them up.

I hear footsteps. They're coming in my direction.

_He's here. _

Gasps. Somone sucks in air. I want to look up but I can't.

Someone kneels down infront of me. _God, he's so beautiful._

"Jace," I breath "I'm cold."

"I need a stele."

He takes in a shuddering breath and clenches his shaking fists at his sides.

"You have to stay awake for me for a little while longer okay?" he whisperes, while he gently takes my wrist and draws an iratze on it.

"Okay" I nod. I shouldn't have though, because it hurts. Like everything else hurts.

"The Iratze isn't working. We have to take her to the institute, quick." Isabelle. At least I think it's her.

"I have to lift you up Clary. It's going to hurt a little bit though." He softly strokes my face with his fingertips before he slowly slips one arm beneath my knees and one arm behind my head and lifts me.

I scream. My bloody hands are fisted in his jacked, my cries muffled by his chest.

He whispers "I'm sorry" with every step he takes and with every scream I make.

I lose consciousness every now and then but Jace wouldn't let me sleep for long.

He told me to stay awake. He begged me that I had to stay awake for him.

So I did. Because I would do simply anything for him.

Finally, after what felt like hours he laid me down on a bed. Magnus cam in and took the rest of my "clothes" off. I had to look really bad because Jace fell on his knees beside me, took my hand in his and mumbled thousands of "nos' " and "I'm sorrys'" in my hair.

Suddenly Magnus' head was over me, looking apologetically down at me.

"I'm Sorry Clary but your leg is dislocated, I have to readjust it. Jace, I need you to hold her down."

I watched him, not really understanding why he looked so horrified at what Magnus said until Jace carefully held down my shoulders and Magnus puts his hands around my thigh.

I sucked in a pained breath. A tear rolled down Jaces cheek and dropped onto my face.

And then he pulled.

I just couldn't contain the screams and sobs that followed. I trashed under their grip but they wouldn't let me go.

Suddenly I felt _his _hands on me again. His fists as he rammed them into my face again and again.

His hands ripping away my dress, my thighs, my underwear. . .

"Stooooooooooooooooooop, please, PLEASE STOP!" I shrieked, but their hands wouldn't leave my body, even though I heard Jace scream at Magnus to stop.

I just pressed my head against the pillow while He ripped the bra wires out of my chest and examined my body of other heavy injuries but he found none.

_The poison. He doesn't know about the Poison._

I took a deep breath and grabbed his wrist.

"Poison . . . he- he injected. . . " I closed my eyes. Waves of exhaustion washed over me and as Magnus hands came down on me again, they pulled me under.

**Sooo "like" it or not ?**

**To scary or should I continue with it ? **

**Please please PLEASE REVIEW ! (but be nice please, I'm don't speak English so there are probably a lot of grammar mistakes)**

_**Love you guys.**_

_**-StHp2a.m.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own blah blah blah. . . you know it. **

**Enjoy :)**

**Chapter 2**

**JPOV**

I spent the last few days trying to stop myself from either punching holes in the wall, killing myself or crying.

When a Shadowhunter is injured to near death by a Demon, he or she will heal. It's going to take a lot of time and training of course, but eventually you'll heal and you can go on with your life like nothing happened.

But if something like. . . like _**this **_happens, regardless of who or what you are, it's impossible to ever forget about it. The wounds will heal, and the pain will go away in the end but _**you**_ – your soul, your heart, your very being – will be damaged as long as you live.

I read about women who were raped by Demons. I read about their behavior after they woke up, _**if **_they woke up at all.

A few of them even killed themselves after it had happened.

I choked down a sob and squeezed her pale hand. "Please Clary, please wake up. I can't loose you. Please, just. . .open you eyes." I whispered.

She didn't even twitch.

Something inside of me clicked and suddenly, I lost control and let it all out.

**IPOV**

We were all sitting silently in the kitchen when there was a loud crash. I sprang up, the coffee mug I've been holding between my shaking hands fell to the ground, painting the floor black.

_Like Clarys blood. _

We looked at each other, the same thought running through our heads. _Jace. _

Without thinking we ran to the infirmary, the crashing sounds and screams getting louder and louder as we neared the room Clary slept in.

I was the first to run inside, instantly regretting it. Nobody could've prepared me for what I was about to see. The whole furniture lay strewn across the floor, the sheets of the spare bed ripped apart, dotted with his blood. _Like the remains of Clarys' clothes in the alley._

There was a big hole in the wall, probably the reason why there was blood on the sheets. And in the middle of the room, in front of a comatose Clary kneeled Jace – blood ran heavily down his hands but he didn't seem to even notice it as he said the same sentence over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. . ."

Alec and Magnus stood still behind me but I saw Alec grasping Magnus' hand for support. He'd never seen Jace like this. 9 years of friendship and he'd never seen his Parabatai cry or even care about somebody. And then Clary appeared and even though she made him happy I sometimes wished we hadn't met her. Because he suffered a lot before they found out that they weren't brother and sister. Because he was suffering now because of her.

"Jace," I said and placed a hand on his shoulder, "what happened to her. . . it's not your fault. You can't keep punishing yourself for things you have no control over." I sighed.

"But it is my fault" he answered, his voice so full of self hatred I had to bite my lip to keep myself from crying.

"It's my job to protect her and I wasn't there when she needed me."

There was no point in arguing with him. He would forever make himself responsible for what had happened. So instead of making him hate himself more I put my arms around his waist and hauled him off the floor.

"You need to rest Jace. It wouldn't do her any good if she'd see you like this when she wakes up. Just for an hour okay? Just go to your room, take a shower and then sleep"

He wanted to argue, she could see it in his eyes but in the end he just nodded and let me lead him out of the room. I took one last glance at Clarys sleeping form and whispered, too quiet for Jace to hear "Please wake up. For him," and closed the door.

**CPOV**

It looks like a hurricane went through the Infirmary and destroyed everything in its wake except the bed I was laying in.

_Infirmary. _

I'm not in pain or anything, it's like I'm numb, but there were needles in my arms, injecting me with some sort of blue-blackish liquid.

_He forces my mouth open with his, spilling black liquid down my throat, his teeth biting my lips until they're bleeding. . ._

I squeeze my eyes shut. _It was just a dream. It's all in your head, nothing happened, NOTHING. HAPPENED._

I need to get out of here. The room is making me claustrophobic. I feel trapped, the walls closing in on me. Wrapping the sheets around my naked body I get out of bed and rip the tubes out of my arms. Surprisingly I don't feel anything. _But I should. _

The institute is silent as I make my way to the only place were I can be free, where nothing is trapping me.

Since Hodge died, nobody really took care of the greenhouse anymore. The plants grew to untamed bushes, many of them withered because nobody had watered them for a long time. The only flower still intact is the flower Jace showed me on my sixteenth birthday. The night we kissed for the first time.

_And now he'll never kiss me again. _

I sit down in front of it, my legs nearly giving out of exhaustion. A thin line of blood trickles slowly down my arms where I ripped the infusions out. I sigh and lean my head against the glass wall of the greenhouse.

_Maybe I should go back to bed, _I thought before my eyes fall shut again.

**JPOV**

I showered, changed into new clothes and I "slept". Like Isabelle told me to. But after 2 hours of restless tossing in my bed I went back to her room. To find it empty.

_No, no, no, please no. . ._

My thoughts were mushed with raw panic as I ran through the Institute and ripped every door on every corridor off its hinges in search of her.

My brain started to conjure up pictures of Clary lying in a pool of blood, a knife in her hand. Pictures of Clary jumping of the highest level of the building, her body crashing to the ground with a sickening thud.

_The greenhouse! _

I urged my feet on to go faster as I ran – or better – jumped up the metal steps that led to the greenhouse, silently praying that I was wrong, that she wouldn't do that to herself.

_She wouldn't do that to me, would she?_

It was so quiet up there, my own breathing sounding horribly loud to my ears. I gulped and walked hesitantly through the plants, nearly having to use my seraph blade to cut my way through the wild bushes.

My heart stopped when I saw her. She lay beneath the midnight flower, curled up in a ball, a few drops of dried blood lining her arms.

The white blanket she'd tightly wrapped around herself revealed just how hard the Demon hurt her. Bruises lined her legs and vanished under the sheets. Long red lines from were his claws raked up and down her body were nearly everywhere.

I want to break down and cry again, for what he did to her but I need to be strong for Clary now. Silently, I kneel in front of her and brush a curl away from her forehead.

As soon as my fingertips touch her skin her eyes snap open and she's scrambling backwards, away from me.

Even though her eyes are open she can't really see. They are clouded over with panic. She's looking at my outstreched hand and presses herself harder against the glass wall.

"Clary," I choke, "Clary, it's me, Jace. You love me, remember? Please, I won't touch you I promise."

Her painful sounding breathing slows a little bit down and her eyes snap back into reality, instantly locking on mine. Before I can say another word she's sobbing, her hands fist in my hair, her face pressed against my neck.

"I can still feel him," she whispers, her voice barely there. "You don't know what he did to me Jace, you don't know, you don't know. . ." She cries harder and I struggle to not cry myself.

"Who did this to you? Please tell me. Tell me so I can kill it."

She just hugs me tighter and shakes her head, moaning a soft "no" into my neck.

Taking her shoulders and gently pushing her body away from mine, so that I can look at her I plead. "Please Clary, please tell me." I lean my head against hers, my eyes drifting shut.

She doesn't talk for a long time before she speaks again. "Can I sleep up here tonight, I – I can't sleep inside. Please?" She sounds so tired that I can do nothing except nodding my head and whispering that I'd get her a mattress and blankets.

I softly pry her hands away from me and sprint downstairs and into my room. The king sized mattress and blankets a complicated to carry but I somehow get it out of my room and down the hall when Isabelle stops me.

"What are you doing?" She asks, looking worried.

"Clary wants to sleep in the greenhouse tonight." I make my way around her and up the metal steps before she stops me again.

"What – She's awake? How did she get up there, she's way to weak – Can I see her?" She sounds so excited that her only girl-friend came back from the dead but I just shake my head. She's to weak to see us all so sad because of her.

"Not now Izzy," I say and go back upstairs to find a nearly unconscious Clary on the floor.

I position the feather bed under the midnight flower and gently lift Clary off the floor and on the soft bed.

She doesn't protest as I lie down beside her and drape an arm around her waist.

I softly stroke her hair while listening to her regular breathing. Even asleep she looks scared.

"Who did this to you?" I whisper to myself as my eyes slowly drift shut.

Before I can fall asleep completely, she says one word. One name and every chance of sleep leaves my body as my eyes snap open in horror.

"Jonathan."

**Pew. . . that was a handful of work guys. I don't know if I should be satisfied with it but well, I didn't want to make you wait any longer :))**

**again PLEASE review, and tell me if there are any huge mistakes. **

**A few questions before we leave each-other:**

**Is anybody interested in beta-ing ? I really could need the help with this story. **

**And I need song suggestions :) Please send me all the songs you think would fit this story. I need more inspiration ^^**

**Love you guys,**

**~SBT**


	3. Chapter 3

**I am so terribly sorry. I am a horrible person. I always promised myself that if I ever wrote a fanfiction I'd never let the people wait so long for the next chapter because that's just... cruel, but here I am.**

**Please Please please don't be mad at me. Eventhough this chapter is short it's got a lot in it, so please just … enjoy it :)**

JPOV

I watched her patiently while she slept. I took my time, memorizing her face, knowing that it it might have been the last time I'd be able to watch her like this. And even if I did come back, I doubt she'd ever want to speak to me again.

But I knew I had to go. I couldn't let him get away with this.

He already won by breaking her apart, but he'll pay for every tear she shed with his worthless life. I was going to make him suffer a million times more than Clary. He would beg for mercy by the time I was done with him.

I stroked her hair while she slept soundly, her head on my chest. I try not to breathe too hard as not to wake her but it is complicated to breathe normally when you are about to leave the love of your life, not knowing when – or if- you'd come back.

I bury my face in her hair, trying to capture her scent because I know that's the only thing I could take with me. Memories of her smile, her scent, the way her eyes always lit up with when she saw me advancing her.

She loves me. And I'm leaving her when she needs me the most.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, and untangling myself from her, standing up.

"I'll come back. I promise." she curled in on herself, her bruised face so sad I nearly lay down beside her again but I forced myself further away from her sleeping form.

The tight knot in my throat nearly choked me as I turned around and left her, my heart breaking at the thought that I might never see her beautiful face ever again.

CPOV

He's not there when I wake up, the side were he slept beside me feels cold, like he's been gone for a while. A neatly folded piece of paper takes his place instead. And even though I don't really want to read what's inside I sit up and open it and anyway.

_Clary, _- it read,

_first of all I'm sorry. _

_I'm sorry for what he did to you, that I wasn't there to protect you when you needed me. _

_You can't even imagine how guilty I feel because of that. _

_But I will make it up to you. I promise._

_And even though I need to leave you to do so it's going to be worth it in the end. _

_I hope you can forgive me. _

_~ Jace._

Suddenly it's ice cold. I've never been so cold in my entire life. Shivers run up and down my body so hard that I can't do anything but hug the covers tighter to my body and wait for it to lessen enough so that I can stand up.

_His icy hands gripped my legs, forcing them apart. I tried to scramble backwards to get away from him but he just dragged me back, his hands tightening around my thighs. I begged him to stop. But he didn't. He wouldn't stop. . . ._

I shrieked and curled myself into a tight little ball under the cool sheets, the moonlight outlinined my naked and broken form, making me visible under the thin sheets. I raked my nails down my face, just to get the horrible images from my brain, I scraped bloody gashes down my cheeks, the scarlet fluid soaking the white blanket immediately.

"_Guess I'll have you all to myself now, won't I little sister?" _

He's here. I can feel his chuckle vibrating through my body, my arms are no longer in my control.

"_Now, I don't want you to hurt yourself more than I intend to do."_

"Please, please get out. . ." I wheeze through tortured breaths but he just laughs at my poor attempts to beg.

"_Oh, you really thought that was the only thing I was going to do to you? We're just getting started dear Clarissa. And in the end it'll not be me whose going to end your pitiful life, oh no, your little boyfriend's going to do that all himself." _

And as his voice fades and his control over my body vanishes with it, so does my sanity as he sends my mind back into the black alley, were he ripped every happy memory I had out of me, overshadowing them with new, painful, unbearable ones.

I must've made some noise, because I hear a myriad of footsteps hurrying up the metal staircase.

The world went blurry and quiet. But the last thing I heard imprinted itself in my brain as if someone had been screaming the words over and over again in my ears.

"_We're one now, little sister, and If I die, you'll die with me."_

**Review Please? Even if you just send me a "fuck you for making me wait" Just... Review. It's like oxygen for me. **


	4. Chapter 4

I'm baaack ! I'm sorry it took so long but for one the chapter is probably the longest I wrote for this story and second I've been in italy for 2 weeks ^^

But you're probably getting used to it anyways, aren't you?

A huge thank you the best beta in the world . I don't think I could continue this story if she wouldn't be here :)

This is probably the best chapter so far (I've rewritten it like 3 times before I even send it to her)

I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

**a tiny little bit of lemon in this chapter !**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

_1 & a half months later_

**IPOV**

I was sitting at the kitchen table, the spoon I was holding halfways to my mouth, when my phone suddenly vibrated. I sighed, put the spoon down and took it out of my pocket. I knew who it was before I answered it. There was no need to check the caller ID.

For 1 and a half months Jace's been calling me, sometimes more than once a day, to check if anything had changed. If _she_ had changed. It nearly killed me every time I had to tell him otherwise, to hear his strained voice asking me to tell her he misses her before he clicks his phone shut with a defeated "Bye."

"Hey Jace." I try to sound cheerful but there really is no incentive left for me to do so.

He doesn't answer for a few moments until he asks me the same question he always asks.

"How is she?"

"Quiet." I say. "As always."

"Is she...did she hurt herself again?"

I really didn't want to answer. It's just wasn't possible for him to bear any more of this.

"Jace, I don- "

"Please Izzy, please just... just tell me." he begs. Jace usually never begs. So I grit my teeth together and force the words I know will hurt him more than a demons bite out of my mouth.

"Last night while she, umm..." I sucked in a breath before I answered.

"She was working on the flowerbeds when she was having another fit and she just..." My voice broke.

"She rammed a pickaxe in her thigh. Magnus wanted to heal her of course but it took a while until she calmed down enough to let him. . .you know. . .touch her."

I waited for a response.

Silence.

Then, a loud crashing sound, as if something hard has been thrown against a brick wall.

"Jace?"

He picks his phone up again, voice heavy with anger.

"I want to speak to her."

"Jace, you know what happened last time when you tried to talk to her, don't you?"

I hear him hiss. I really shouldn't have said that.

Last time I brought the phone up to her and she heard his voice, she screamed at him to never come back and that she didn't need him, started crying and threw it out of the window.

"Just do it Izzy." He snapped and I quickly shut my mouth to stop myself from snapping back at him. I coudln't blame him for acting this way, I could barely control my temper anymore either.

I made my way towards the metal steps of the greenhouse, not sure what I would find upstairs. She was in a different mood everyday since he left. It changed between sadness and indifference, to anger and the need to hurt herself.

It was quiet in here. The floor was still dirty with earth and droplets of blood from the night before.

"Clary?" I asked softly but no one answered.

Walking around the bushes where her "bed" lay I found her fast asleep on the mattress.

"She's asleep Jace. I don't wanna wa-"

Suddenly she stirred, stretched and hissed as she moved her still not completely healed leg.

"Sorry honey, did I wake you?" I half whispered but she shook her head and sat up.

"Jace wants to talk to you Clary." fearing she'll start screaming again I pressed the receiver against my thigh to muffle the sounds, but she just looked calmly at me and stretched her hand out for the phone.

JPOV

I heard Isabelle tell her that I wanted to talk to her and caught my breath, anticipating her screaming again, but instead there was a low rustling sound and suddenly, a very tired sounding voice.

"Jace?"

I let out the breath I didn't know I was still holding. I never wanted her to stop speaking again.

"How are you, how's your leg?" I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, how sorry I was for leaving her, but my mouth couldn't seem to form any of those words.

"Better." she breathed. "I thought you took me seriously when I told you to. . .not come back again." Her voice trembled as she spoke.

"Of course not, Clary. I could never-" I intended to say that I would never leave her but that's why we were having this conversation in the first place. Because I left her.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm on my way home." I said nervously, still afraid she'd tell me to not come back again.

Instead, she sucked in a trembling breath and gave a silent sob before answering, sounding exhausted.

"I'm glad. I miss you so much."

I closed my eyes, my mouth curling into a smile, happy to hear she still wanted me after what I did to her.

"I miss you, too." She yawned, the sound making me happier than anything else she'd said to me, memories of her waking up beside me every morning, smiling lazily upt at me flashing through my mind.

"I'll be back by tomorrow evening, okay? Just go back to sleep."

"Okay," she sighed.

There was a short pause. And then. . .

"I love you, Jace."

"I love you, too." and with that I clicked my phone shut and started my way back to her.

My way back home

_**The next day**_

CPOV

I woke up the next morning, feeling more aware of my body than I had in a long time. The happiness Jace's phone call brought me must've broken the control that Jonathan had over my mind. I could still feel him of course, but it was different. Normally I woke up and the first thing I would hear or sense was his voice, telling me how he'd make me suffer today, or a memory of his hands sliding lower and lower to the hem of my dress. . .

I shuddered and quickly stood up. _I just need to distract myself until he's home. Everything's going to be fine when Jace gets here._

I reinstated this as my new mantra as I made my way downstairs to the nearest bathroom. The best part about living in the greenhouse was that nobody usually came up here anymore. At first they tried to get me to talk about what happened, or just to keep me company, but the only thing they got out of me was anger.

And that was the worst part.

My temper was constantly on the verge of breaking through the walls I had so carefully built. Jonathan made me do horrible things to Izzy, Alec and Magnus when he wasn't making me do horrible things to myself.

I screamed at Izzy when she wouldn't leave me alone, I snapped at Alec when he brought me something to eat and I even tore and clawed at Magnus when he tried to heal me from the injuries I inflicted on myself. Like the gash in my thigh from yesterday.

As soon as I remembered the wound in my thigh my leg began to tremble violently and I had to hold onto the wall to keep me from falling to the ground.

Finally I reached the bathroom, got inside, and locked it. I forgot my stele so the key would have to do.

The water was freezing cold as I stepped under the spray and didn't turn warm until I was finished cleaning myself so instead of the usual procedure of sitting under the warm flowing water for another half hour I just got out and towelled myself dry.

Suddenly my body gave a jerk and halted in front of the floor length mirror I desperately tried to avoid.

The towel fell from my body and my eyes widened as I saw what had become of me.

My skin was a mix of grey and white, at least where no bruises had formed.

I had never seen myself this skinny before. Sure, I had times in high school were I thought I had to be thinner than everyone but never like this.

I had scratches, wounds and bruises all over my body and my face looked sunken, my eyes too big for my thin face.

_I bet Jace will recoil in disgust when he sees how ugly you are._

There he was again.

_Do you really think he – in all his golden glory – would want something like you beside him?_

"Jace loves me", I murmur quietly, but his words hit me there where he hadn't completely destroyed me yet.

_He'll wish he never came back in the first place when he sees what's become of you._

"You're lying."

_Oh come on Clarissa, you know it's true. You always wondered when the day will come that he no longer wants you and I think today might be the day._

He cackles, obviously pleased with my reaction.

"Please shut up." I say, getting angry.

_And anyway, who could love someone like you? You're weak, couldn't even handle a little bit of pain. He's a strong shadowhunter, he wouldn't want some whining little bitch, crying over a few scratches and a dislocated leg._

"I told you to SHUT THE HELL UP!" screaming, my fist flung forwards and the mirror shattered into a million little pieces around my bare feet, few of them cutting my skin open.

I barely felt my bleeding hand as I sunk to my knees, my head in my palms, tearing at my scalp, just trying to finally get rid of him.

"Why won't you leave me alone?" I sobbed, not strong enough to hold the tears at bay.

He just laughed at me.

_Oh no, I'm not finished with you sister, I'm just getting started. . ._

And with that his voice subsided, just as the bathroom door sprang open.

"Jace?"

He hurried forward, glass crunching under his shoes as he wrapped a towel around my still naked body.

"What happened?" he said, his jaw set, his eyes dark as he carefully wiped the tears and blood from my cheeks.

"I thought you wouldn't be home until this evening?" I questioned back. I never told anybody that Jonathan had possessed me the night he. . .did this to me.

"Stop avoiding my question." He picks me up and carries me out of the room. Suddenly I can feel my hand throbbing, can feel the scratches on my knees and feet.

I hiss slightly, but shut my mouth a second later as his words echoe in my head.

_You're weak, he wouldn't want someone like you._

"Why the hell did you punch the mirror?"

"Not important."

He snorts at that. "Clary you just sliced your hand completely open and probably broke a knuckle or two, but lets just pretend this is nothing to worry about."

"I...slipped on the wet floor." _liar._

He sighs in frustration and enters the infirmary, placing me on a bed and gets his stele out of his belt.

"It won't work. The stele, I mean." he looks at me for a second before he asks why.

"Since...since it happened it just didn't work on me anymore." I don't want to tell him that every time someone wanted to heal me with it, Jonathan's blood kind of absorbed the rune and burned the skin where the mark had been placed.

He tensed as I mentioned this night, but he didn't object, just brought the first aid kit out of a drawer near the bed.

He works quietly on my hand for a few minutes, looking like he's fuming inside, picking out glass and disinfecting it before he speaks again.

"I imagined our reunion a little bit different than this." he says, the set of his jaw still hard, kneeling down to have a better look if he's missed any shards.

"Yeah? How?"

"Certainly **not** mopping you up after you sliced your hand to pieces." he snaps.

_Why do they all have to lecture me like I'm a little child who doesn't know what she's doing?_

"Well, I can handle this myself, I didn't ask you to help me or anything. Leave if you want to."

I snatch my hand out of his grasp, stand, and brush past him on wobbly legs to the door until his voice stops me.

"Wait Clary. I- I'm sorry I snapped at you, I just... I wasn't prepared to see you like this, I just thought you'd be... better." the last word comes out in a defeated sigh, but it's still not enough to push my anger away.

"Well I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations." My back is still turned on him, my arms crossed tight over my chest.

His hands descend softly upon my waist, the heat of his touch slowly spreading through my body. I feel my anger ebbing away, until I've forgotten why I was even mad at him in the first place.

"Please Clary. I missed you too much to start fighting with you now." I can't concentrate with his hot breath caressing my ear, his thumbs drawing circles on my hips.

I turned to face him, his hands not leaving my hips, and stare up at his worn out face. I traced the bags under his eyes with my finger tips, his eyes closing immediately as my hand makes contact with his skin.

My fingers slide over his cheekbones- more prominent than ever, as if he too has lost some weight- to his lips. His soft, damp, deliciously and inviting looking lips.

He looked completely wiped out, but beautiful none the less.

He holds my hand were it is, and kisses the tips of my fingers, lingering long enough to make my mind clouded over with desire. It had been too long since I tasted him.

"I missed you, too." I whisper, my voice heavy with need.

His eyes brighten up, just to darken again, this time out of lust.

A sound between a sigh and a growl escape his mouth before it descends upon my awaiting lips.

He was holding back, I could feel him tense up at the sensation of our mouths pressed firmly against one another, as if he was afraid he'd hurt me if he kissed me any harder. I slipped my tongue out of mouth, tracing his bottom lip until he opened up with a low moan, his tongue slipping instantly into mine.

My back suddenly hit the wall, and I hissed out of pain and pleasure, as my hands snaked under his shirt and started roaming the hard lines of his body.

Suddenly it wasn't enough anymore, I pressed him harder against me, desperate to fill in the millimeters of space between us. Jace grabbed my thighs and hoisted me onto his hips, my legs locking around him in a sort of death grip. His hands were on my cheeks, my shoulders, trailing down my arms, gripping my waist and riding up the towel I wasn't aware I was still wearing. I moaned loudly as our bare stomachs touched, something that seemed to be driving him out of control completely as he began attacking my mouth with new force.

After a few more moments of pulling, kissing and touching, we finally broke apart for air, but his lips were still not content with leaving my skin. He kissed a trail down my neck, over my collarbone and to my shoulder until he lifted his head and gently laid his forehead against mine. We were both breathing hard, and after we caught our breaths, I realised that the towel had slipped from my body.

I panicked and struggled to put the towel around myself again but in this exact moment he breathed into my ear.

"You're breathtaking Clary. No matter how many scars you have, you'll always be the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on."

I smile. I haven't smiled like this in a very long time.

"It felt like you've been gone for 10 years." I whisper, still breathless.

"I know. I couldn't stand another day without you."

I close my eyes, lean my head against the wall, while he caresses my neck a little bit more and let the words sink in. Jace still loves me. He doesn't think I'm ugly or anything like that at all.

Content, I lift his chin up and his eyes lock with mine.

"Promise you'll never leave me again?"

"Promise."

I all but forgot about the poison inside my blood, destroying me slowly from the inside, as I lost myself in another heated kiss from the boy I loved.

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><p>Good? Bad?<p>

do you want to have more Fluff in the next chapter?

Just tell me what you think :)

**DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW !**

_~SBT._


	5. Chapter 5

So 5th Chapter :) It's terribly short but my beta (best beta in the whole wide universe) approved so yea… have fun reading and please please **pleaaaase don't forget to leave a COMMENT !**

Chapter 5

**CPOV**

Soft morning light filtered through the curtains, gently waking me from the most relaxing sleep I had had in over two months.

His arm was slung over my waist, keeping me trapped against his hard body, not that I would complain about that of course. His face was nuzzled against my neck, hot breath hitting the bare skin of my shoulders.

No disturbing thoughts, no mocking voice in my head, no one telling me how they would make me hurt today. Just a pure, unbelievably beautiful morning with Jace wrapped around me like some sort of protective cocoon.

I sighed, content, and snuggled deeper into Jace's embrace. Maybe, now that he's back, everything will be fine again. Maybe Jonathan could only get to me like this because Jace wasn't around to protect me. Even though he really didn't do anything. All he needs to do is be there and everything will be okay.

_You wish._

I tensed, but at the same moment Jace woke up and whispered a sweet "good morning" in my ear before pressing his lips against my cheek.

When I didn't say anything he turned me over until he was hovering above me, his worried eyes locked with mine.

"Clary?"

I just flung my arms around his neck, so that he fell flat on top of me, and pressed my face against the crook of his neck, squeezing my eyes shut. _You won't ruin this moment. You won't._

"What's wrong?"

"I just-" I took a deep breath. "I just can't believe you're here."

And it was partially true. One second he's gone for more than 6 weeks and then suddenly he's lying next to me again as if he never has left in the first place. I didn't want to make him worry about me the second he got home so I kept silent about the fact that Jonathan was halfway possessing my thoughts. I would tell him when he recovered from the long journey home. At least I told myself that I would.

He traced the lines of my face with the tips of his fingers, his gaze somewhat sad.

"I thought-" His lips traced my cheekbone down to the curve of my lips.

"I was so scared you wouldn't want me back. I thought you were never going to talk to me again. And then I'm back and you actually kiss me and I just can't believe that I deserve someone like you and I'm so sor-"

I quiet his frantic speech with my lips against his, no longer wanting to hear how much he despised himself. He didn't do anything wrong, and I could never ever leave him, no matter what he did.

With that thought in mind, I kissed him harder, to show him just how much I loved him, how impossible it was for me to just leave him.

His mouth trailed a hot path down my neck as he fitted himself between my legs, pressing himself harder against my body.

"Your shirt." I gasped, tearing at the fabric. He ripped it off and my hands instantly slid over his glorious body, moaning against his mouth.

How could he even get the idea that I would possibly leave him? He's just so much more than I could ever deserve.

"Jace?" I whisper, my voice too shaky to speak louder as his lips nibble on my earlobe, kiss a trail down to my collarbone and up to my wet mouth, making me shiver so hard that I need to close my eyes to concentrate on the next words.

"Hmmm?" he hums against my skin. I grab his chin and force him to look me in the eyes. I need him so see how serious I am about this. He just stares, his golden eyes darker than I've ever seen them before.

"I'm yours. For as long as you want me." I could literally see his eyes turning black, exploding with emotion as he fell on top of me again, his lips nearly ripping mine apart, his body pressing so hard against me I thought he wanted to crawl inside me, his groans getting louder, his hands roaming my body and riding the shirt I borrowed from him so high I was nearly naked under him.

"_.!"_

Jonathans angry screams echoed so suddenly and so loud through my head I nearly choked on the breath I had just sucked in.

"_He never touched you the way I did and he's never going to. I'll make you suffer so bad you'll believe the last few weeks have been nothing, like our little night together was nothing. I'll make you do things you didn't even know existed, until you beg me to kill you, to end all of this. Because __**you belong to me.**__"_

And then he slammed Images against my violated mind, snippets of what he did to me and things he was going to make me do. His claws against my bare breasts. Me with a knife dripping blood in my hand, Jace lying motionless before me. Stabbed to death by my own hands. Jonathan's hungry mouth as he bites me, nearly tearing my flesh off, leaving bloody holes in my skin. Me standing in front of the Institute, lighting a match-

"_CLARY!"_

_Please reviwe it means everything to me !_

_~SBT_


	6. Chapter 6

Hello there and YES I am still alive n.n

I could write an apology as long as this chapter to why I haven't been updating and how sorry I am but what good would it do? I've probably been as frustrated as any of you because I just could't find the time to sit down and write this, even though it ghosted through my head all day and night.

_Thank you to my wonderful Beta ! I could't wirte this story without your advice and your attempts to make me believe in myself. _

**Enjoy reading and REVIEW DAMMIT .**

**I don't own anything!**

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><p><em><strong>Chapter 6<strong>_

**CPOV**

Someone was shaking me. Hard.

"God, Clary snap out of it!"

_Please just make it stop.  
><em>

"Make what stop? Clary, please, you're pulling your hair out."

Slowly the images began to blur, my vision clearing until I was looking straight at a horrorstruck Jace.

_Jace lying motionless before me, stabbed to death with my own hands. . ._

I flung myself off the bed and scrawled backwards, away from him. Away from the possibility of ever hurting him.

"I..." How could I explain that ever since that fateful night Jonathan's been controlling my every action? How could I tell him without making him go crazy? He's gone through hell because of me and I didn't want to do that to him again.

He crept towards me, his hands outstretched as if I were some sort of scared – or better yet – dangerous animal he didn't want to rouse.

Another flash hit me. _My clawlike hands were bloody, Jace cowering in front of me, blood over his face, his torn shirt, his legs, just everywhere. His hands were outstretched, his terrified eyes begging me to stop.  
><em>

"NO!" half delirious with fear I searched behind my back for the doorknob and found it, but my hands were too slippy with sweat to grab it.

"Stay away from me, please," I whisper, turning my back on him and leaning my forehead against the door, my hands curled into fists beside my head, shaking shaking shaking. . .

"Why, Clary, what's wrong with you?" He sounded utterly confused, though you could hear the pain about my earlier statement to stay away from me break through his urgent voice.

My fist collided with the door so hard you could hear the wood strain against the force of my blow. Not my strength, but _his.  
><em>

_Tell him._

A command. I can't struggle anymore, he'd crush me to powder from the inside if I did.

"He's going to make me hurt you." I whimper; so low I didn't think he even heard me, but Jace – as well trained as he is- heard me as if I'd screamed it in his face.

"Who? - Clary, what are you talking about?" His voice was weak, as if he knew exactly what I was talking about, but didn't want to believe what I was saying, didn't want to believe something like that could be happening.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

_Tell him._

NO!

_I said TELL HIM!_

I flinched and brought my fist back down onto the door, hoping the pain would somehow break the power Jonathan had over me, freeing me from the ironhold he had over my body and mind.

I sobbed. A short sob and yet you could hear everything in that strange little sound. The very little strength I had left, the last of my will to fight against his control and the grief of knowing I'd already lost it.

And again, but somehow softer:

_Tell him.  
><em>

"Jonathan." letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding, I turned around to see Jace's reaction, but wished instantly that I hadn't. He looked as if he'd seen his "father" die all over again.

"What?" Even though his voice was calm I could see everything going through his head in his eyes. Anger. Shock. But mostly fear. Of what he was afraid of, I didn't know but seeing Jace scared hurt me even more than seeing him sad.

"That night when. . ." I wanted to say "it happened" but Jonathan forced the "r" word out of my mouth.

"The night Jonathan raped me," Jace flinched, "he made me drink his blood and smeared it in my wounds. Ever since then he's been controlling my every action." I wasn't even able to look into his eyes as I said it, the shame of what I let him do to me washed over me like acid.

"Did he hear what you just said?" Ice. That's exactly what his voice sounded like.

I snorted. "He even forced me to say it. I would never have told you if it weren't for him."

_Uh oh. Now he's angry.  
><em>

"And why the hell wouldn't you have told me?" God, he still didn't understand what this was about, why Jonathan had been doing all these things to me.

"Because he wants to make you suffer Jace. You nearly killed him in Alicante and now he wants revenge. He thinks the only way he can completely destroy you is making you watch me die."

All color left his face, his shaking hands pressed together to make two deadly fists.

"I'm not going to let you die. I'll kill him and if he wasn't the coward that I know he is he'd tell me where the hell he is right now." I should've seen this coming.

"There's nothing you can do." I whisper, defeat mixing with the increasing indifference in my voice.

"Because If you kill him you'll ki-" Jonathan cut me off, making my breath leave my lungs, choking me until the edges around my vision turned dark.

My hands scratched against my windpipe, trying to stop him, to do anything to make him release me.

"_Stop._" I wheezed out.

_Promise not to tell him our little secret?_

I shook my head, "Yes!"

_What was that? You'll have to speak louder than that little sister._

"Yes, I Promise!" with the last of my breath leaving me, he finally loosened his hold and I fell panting against the door.

I didn't even realize Jace until his hands were on my cheeks, his thumbs drawing soothing circles on my ice cold skin.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." His voice sounded anything but sorry, but he understood what could happen if any of us disobeyed or simply annoyed him again.

Jonathan laughed, satisfied with Jace's reaction.

_I think I need a little chat with Jace, alone. Tell him to meet me at the old warehouse in Brooklyn where our fathers' boat is anchored. Now._

In response I just pressed my lips together. _I know what you're trying to do "brother", but I won't let you._

He just fastened his hold around my throat, squeezing until my lungs popped.

_How about now Clarissa?  
><em>

Angry tears shot in my eyes, instantly flowing down my face, dripping onto Jace's hand, now under my chin.

"What's wrong Clary? What did he do?"

I said: " Jonathan wants to talk to you. You remember the old warehouse in Brooklyn where Magnus modified Lukes' truck? He'll be there tonight." but inside I screamed and begged for him not to go, to please stay here with me. But there was nothing I could have done. Jace's expression was determined, his mind set. He thinks he can end this, but the only way it's ever going to end involves me dying.

"Izzy and Alec are out hunting. You think you can make it for a few hours alone? I won't take long, I promise." Something glinted in his eyes as he spoke, his mind already forming a plan on how to kill him.

"Of course."

_No! Please, please don't go. . ._

"Swear you won't do anything stupid while I'm gone okay?" He stroked my cheek, his face softening to reveal the Jace only I was able to bring out.

He kissed me softly, his lips lingering, making me want more. But he moved away, searching for his seraph blades and finding them securely strapped to his weapons belt. He threw me one more fleeting look, and walked out of the room.

I slumped forward, new tears forming behind my closed eyelids. I knew what was going to happen, even though Jonathan didn't let me see what exactly he had planned. But he would make sure that Jace broke. As I silently let the tears fall I heard him laugh. I could feel his disgusting happiness as his plan went just the way he wanted.

_Let the games begin. . ._

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><p><em>Cliffhangeeeer :D<em>

_God or bad?_

_Give me your opinions :)_

**_Oh and before I forget, next saturday is my Birthday. And for my birthday I wish 16 Reviews okay ? So because I am a spoiled little brat I'm not going to update until I have my 60 reviews n.n _**

_Please grant me this one wish! It would mean so much to me if you did :)_

_AAAAAND for each review I'm gonna send you a little spoiler for the next chapter ;) _

_Until then my lovely readers,_

_~SBT_


	7. Chapter 7

That was probably the fastest update I ever did, like ... ever.

As always, thank you to my lovely Beta **Zanab. Jafry. **You're perfect, just sayin' c:

My birthday is in exactly 68 minutes so congratulate the shit out of my inbox ;D

**I don't own yadda yadda yadda blah. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 7<p>

JPOV:

_My fault._

That's the only thing going through my head as I make my way to the run down warehouse where he's waiting for me. It's my fault he raped her, it's my fault he's still torturing her and it definitely is my fault if she dies.

_But she won't. I won't let him take the one thing I ever cared for, ever loved._

I repeated that sentence over and over in my mind, trying to convince myself that everything's going to be okay, that _she_will be okay.

I could already see the roof of my destination, the old warehouse where Magnus transformed Lukes' truck, where I would have killed my father if I hadn't been so cowardly. Clary nearly died that night, because of my hesitation to drive my blade through Valentines heart. But in the end, she saved everyone on that ship, including me. And now I was going make it up to her.

I will make up to her that I didn't protect her the day Jonathan did this to her. I will fight until I have destroyed everyone and everything that ever hurt her, I will fight until I can forgive myself. If that were even possible.

Alec and Izzy had begged me to believe that it wasn't my fault, that there was nothing I could have done to have prevented it from happening. What they didn't understand was that it was _my _responsibility, that _she _was my responsibility. I didn't protect her when she needed protection, didn't save her from the indescribable thing her brother did to her. I simply wasn't there. And I would never forgive myself that I let happen what I could have prevented from happening.

The streets are quiet. No lights lit the old warehouse he was supposed to wait for me. I crossed the road, the icy chill doing nothing to cool my raging temper.

Opening the door – which creaked so loud it echoed through the whole hall – I stepped inside, the pitch dark room stopping me from being able to make out anything in it, not even if I put my hand directly in front of my face.

It was cooler in here, as if something had absorbed even the smallest ounce of warmth from the world. I took my witchlight out and let it shine dimly through my fingers. I knew he knew I was there, I could feel it, but I didn't have to put myself on a silver platter for him either.

_Where the hell are you?_

My skin prickled with anticipation, the hair on my neck standing on end.

There. The shadows moved.

Suddenly the entire room was lit by burning white light, my sight blurring at the abrupt change from pitch black to glistening brightness within seconds.

When my eyes finally adjusted to the light he stood only a few feet away from me. His stance was casual, relaxed, no weapons.

_Arrogant bastard!_

"Well, well, well, if it isn't dear little angel boy. How are you doing? How is Clarissa? I've heard she had a pretty bad accident a few weeks ago-"

"Shut the hel-"

"Ah ah ah. No need to get nasty." I wanted to wipe that smirk off his face so bad I nearly crushed the witchlight stone I still held in my fist. My lips were pressed together in a tight line, the words behind them trying violently to get out, but he owned the most efficient and probably only instrument that would ever bring me to keep my mouth closed. Clarys' life.

Instead I just said: "What do you want?"

He pursed his lips, putting on finger on them and crept around me like I was some sort of foreign thing he tried to study.

"Hmm, what do I want? Force over your life, the power to destroy it whenever I want to, you can call it revenge if you like. Anyway, I'm going to get what I want, there's no way you can save dear Clary this time."

Angel, he was so fucking pleased with himself as he said this he didn't even see me pull my seraph blade out. I silently whispered its name and hid it behind my back, trying to play along as long as I could contain my anger towards him.

I knew why I was here. He wanted to test me. To see how much I could take before I snapped. When it came to Clary it didn't take much, though. He was right about that.

"You know, I was surprised I found her walking the streets alone that night. I thought you were her bodyguard or something like that, chasing her like some love sick puppy, but I guess her safety isn't as important to you as I thought it was. But seriously, she's not really in your league anyway. I convinced her to think it, too. In fact, it wasn't really hard to make her believe that."

_Patience, Jace, just one more minute and you'll drive a blade through his filthy heart._

My fist was clenched around my seraph, shaking, anticipating to strike, to paint the walls with his demonblood.

His grin widened as he continued, like he knew the following words would finally break my self control.

"But boy did she feel good. I asked myself whether you got to touch her the way I did, if she ever let you suck her breasts like I di-"

I sprung at him, the needle sharp point of my seraph directed at his heart. I couldn't take it anymore. Never have I been so angry, so overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to kill someone that I let my control slip and do just that. Kill.

He sidestepped but the tip of the blade cut a shallow gash over his chest. I wasn't satisfied. I never would be until he was lying in front of me in a huge puddle of his disgusting black blood.

He just looked at me and laughed. Laughed in my face as if I told him some joke.

"I'm gonna rip your damn head off, you bastard!"

My blade wouldn't be enough. I threw it aside and brought my fist forward, hearing the satisfying crunch as his nose broke under my fingers. It got kind of blurry in between.

My body was so full of pent up rage and hatred I didn't even realize what I'd been doing until I sat on top of him, my blade back in my hand, the tip slicing the skin of his throat open.

Through the entire time I heard him laugh, baiting me to punch harder with snippets of the night he broke her. How he did it and how wonderful every scream of her ringed in his ears.

".!" Every word was punctuated with a hit of my fist, until he lay under me in an ugly damaged heap, his blood splattered all over the place.

He spit out gore, still grinning from ear to ear. It looked like he lost a tooth or two, not that I cared about it anyway.

"Don't you think it's strange I didn't bring any weapons? Didn't you notice how I wasn't defending myself at all?"

He just smirked like a little boy who'd stolen the last cookie out of the Jar his mom had forbidden him to touch. In his eyes you could nearly read the words "I know something you don't know".

And then I finally realized what I had done. The dagger I held against his throat - drawing a thin line of blood - clashed to the ground, the collision splattering the little puddle of his blood in thousand directions. . .

I scrambled backwards, my hands slipping on the bloody floor.

"No."

"So now you understand what's going on, don't you? She's still breathing, but I would hurry if I were you. Maybe you'll get to her in time, but..."

I didn't even want to imagine what would happen if I didn't make it. I didn't think I could bear to even think it.

"I swear to the Angel I'm going to kill you. You're going to suffer for every scratch you inflicted upon her at least twice as much."

"Try it and you'll kill her, too."

"I'll find a way-"

"There is no way except her dying." His laugh haunted me as I sprinted out of the warehouse, hoping – no – begging for Clarys fragile body to be strong enough, for Isabelle and Alec to have come home already.

I ran and ran and ran until I nearly came up against the Institutes door. Everything was dark as I entered, no torches lit, no sign of anybody being home.

The elevator was still there. _Please, no._

I got inside and pushed the button and every millimeter it moved down felt like a whole lifetime, protracting my fear into something fathomless.

_Please be alright._

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><p><em>Thank you for all those Reviews. I never thought I would've gotten them so fast or that there even were so many of you who actually read my story!<em>

_Hmm... let's say... 75 rewievs until I update again?_

_You'd get a little spoiler as a little reward, too :D_

_I love you all to death._

_~SBT_

_Ps: What do you think about ahs ? I'm completely fangirling over it at the moment and I need someone to squeal to :D_


	8. Chapter 8

**SORRY I HAD TO EDIT SOMETHING n.n**

I really hope a few of you are still reading my fic. I can't tell you how sorry I am but I just couldn't write for a while. There's just a lot of unpleasant things going on in my life right now and I didn't have the energy to write this, but here it is :)

It's an extra long chapter to make up for the lost time and I really hope you forgive me and still like and review my story.

As always thank you to my beta Zanab. Jafry, the most amazing girl on this entire planet. I couldn't wish for a better beta for my story

I don't own anything except the plot, though I wish I would.

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><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

**CPOV:**

The suspense is excruciating. I've been sitting here for an uncountable amount of seconds, minutes, hours, watching the sun go down and waiting for something to happen.

_Maybe they're just talking._

_BULLSHIT!_

As if Jonathan would miss out on an opportunity to hurt me. Hurt us.

The room I am in is now completely dark. You'd think that I should be scared of the darkness, but actually it helps calming me down. My brain just shuts everything out, leaving me to believe that if I can't see all those evil things in the world, they can't see me either. It's stupid, I know, but as long as I can spend a few moments of my hellish life in peace I definitely won't stop hanging on to this credence.

_Nervous little sister?_

I didn't answer, but that was enough information for him to know how scared I really was. Maybe Jace had figured it out on his way to see him. He knows that there is a connection between me and my brother, so it should be quite obvious that whatever happens to him, happens to me as well. However if Jace is angry enough, he doesn't really stop to think what he is about to do, or what the consequences may be.

Suddenly I could feel some kind of shift in my body, making me so dizzy I had to close my eyes for a few moments to regain my composure. When I opened them again I wasn't in Jace's room anymore. I was in a huge dark hall. The walls were bare and gray and the only source of light was the moon, barely shining through the dirt smeared windows.

But I wasn't really myself.

I felt incredibly strong. Like one little flick of my finger could kill the entire population of New York City.

_Feels good to be me huh ?_

"What?"

_You're in my body now. You'll feel like that in about 6 months, don't you worry your little head._

_At first I just wanted to make you and everyone around you suffer until you beg me to kill you but I just realized how useful you could become to me once you... developed properly._

"What are you talking abo–" There was a loud creak, like metal scratching on concrete. A thin sliver of silvery moonlight Illuminated the dirty floor for a second and dissolved as soon as the intruder closed the door.

Footsteps. Fast breathing. Someone gulped. _Jace._

_Ah, there he is._

I tried to warn him, tried screaming that he was making a big mistake, but no words would leave Jonathans' mouth, no matter how hard I wanted to force the words out of him. How could he control me so easily, make me do anything he wanted me to and I couldn't even make him say one single word? I knew he was way stronger than me – I mean physically – but that I couldn't even overpower him when I was inside _his_ head? I really was a weak, useless Shadowhunter.

_You're not inside my head. I'm just letting you see what I want you to._

I felt my – or better his – hand push some kind of button and then the room was suddenly flooded with light. He stood in the middle of the room, his hand defensively over his eyes to keep them from watering. As his eyes adjusted he lowered his arm and instantly focused on – me.

I've never seen him so angry. Or maybe I had but never was his anger directed towards me like that.

_You do realize he can't see you, don't you?_

"Doesn't change anything, I'll feel it anyway when he tries to kill you."

He snickered and took a few steps towards Jace. I tried to gulp down my fear but the adrenaline just pumped through me faster and faster, the nearer we got to him.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't dear little angel boy. How are you doing? How is Clarissa? I've heard she had a pretty bad accident a few weeks ago-"

"Shut the hel-"

I wish they would just get it over with already, my heart wouldn't be able to bear this tension any longer.

"Ah ah ah. No need to get nasty."

It was written all over his face how hard he tried to keep calm – probably for my sake. His fist started shaking while he closed his fingers around something in his hand, but instead of just throwing the first punch he asked "What do you want?"

"Hmm, what do I want? Force over your life, the power to destroy it whenever I want to, you can call it revenge if you like. Anyway, I'm going to get what I want, there's no way you can save dear Clary this time."

While Jonathan talked Jace carefully named his seraph blade and hid it behind his back. I was actually surprised he'd think that my brother wouldn't notice it but he played along anyway. My brother wanted to test him. Wanted to know how much he could take before he snapped completely.

"You know, I was surprised I found her walking the streets alone that night. I thought you were her bodyguard or something like that, chasing her like some love sick puppy, but I guess her safety isn't as important to you as I thought it was. But seriously, she's not really in your league anyway. I convinced her to think it, too. In fact, it wasn't really hard to make her believe that."

His facial expression changed for a second, into some other kind of anger. Anger towards me for believing Jonathan so easily? Even though it was true and Jace probably knew it, too. I would never be good enough for him, there would always be people who'd tell him that. I just hoped he'd never start believing it.

"But boy did she feel good. I asked myself whether you got to touch her the way I did, if she ever let you suck her breasts like I di-"

Jace finally snapped. The tip of his blade was inches from My – Jonathan's – heart when he easily side stepped it, though the blade cut a shallow gash over his chest.

I felt it. It was the strangest sensation, feeling someone else's pain as if it were my own. Jonathan didn't even react to it, he ignored the blood running down his chest and laughed. He just laughed at him as if he had just told a funny joke.

Why doesn't he notice that Jonathan isn't defending himself for God's sake?

"I'm gonna rip your damn head off, you bastard!" He screamed and came forward again, throwing his blade away and effectively breaking my and his nose with a hard punch. It went on like that for god knows how long until Jonathan lay on the ground with Jace sitting on top of him, his blade pressed against his throat. I could barely grasp what was happening anymore. While Jonathan seemed to barely be in any kind of pain, the blood flowing out of me took my strength with it until I was hardly conscious anymore. I couldn't really feel the pain, though I didn't know if it had something to do with the fact that I wasn't really present in my own body at the moment.

Jonathan kept mocking him, telling him details of the night he raped me and how good it felt to hear me scream and cry in pain.

".!" With every word he threw a fist at his face.

"Don't you think it's strange I didn't bring any weapons? Didn't you notice how I wasn't defending myself at all?" I couldn't really make out what they were saying anymore. It felt like Jonathan was slowly blocking me out of his head, like my consciousness was tardily creeping back into my own body. Or maybe I was just dying, I didn't know what the difference was anymore anyway.

Eventually Jace got what he was talking about, let the dagger fall and scramble backwards frantically, whilst whispering the word "No", more to himself than to anyone else.

"So now you understand what's going on, don't you? She's still breathing, but I would hurry if I were you. Maybe you'll get to her in time, but..." That was the last thing I could hear before I was thrown back into Jace's room.

_Why does it hurt so much?_

I lay on the ground, half hidden under his bed and it hurt. My face felt as if a barrel just rolled over it apart from the fact that it was doused in my blood. I didn't even want to think what my body must look like. I couldn't breathe. My entire ribcage felt broken, squeezing my lungs under the broken pieces until they screamed for air. Secretly I hoped I would die. I lost enough blood anyway and even if Jace could make it in time, Magnus never would.

_It would be a pity if you'd die now. I had big plans for you little sister._

I couldn't answer anymore. My eyes closed, my breathing got slower. I could feel the last life-saving drops of blood dripping out of the wounds Jace unknowingly inflicted on me. _Jace._ If I had enough energy left I'd try writing _'I love you' _on the floor with my blood, like I read in one of my favorite books once, but I couldn't even lift a finger anymore. I whimpered – even though I felt like screaming. How long do I have to suffer before my body finally gives up? _But I don't want to give up on Jace._

He'd never forgive himself if I died now. I couldn't do that to him, I couldn't let him live with that for the rest of his life. It would kill him, too. _I'm going to stay stro__ng for you._

Just then an unbearable ripple of pain shot through me. Surprisingly I still had energy to scream after all. "Please make it stop." I whispered, though I'm not sure I didn't just mouth the words.

_Just breathe_, I told myself.

In,

Out.

In,

Out.

**JPOV**

I dialed Magnus' number while I ripped every door in my way off its hinges in order to find her.

"Do you have any idea what time it is, Blondie?"

I didn't react to his annoying pet name and kept searching for her.

"You have to come here. Now." was all I said as I neared my room. My tone of voice let every cuss word he wanted to throw against my head die on his tongue.

"What happened?"

"I don't know it yet. It's Clary, you have to—" And then I sucked in one single painful breath. I had opened the door to my room and there she lay. Her torso and head were hidden under the bed, just her legs were visible, lying motionlessly on the floor in a weird angle.

"Clary?" I asked, terrified.

No answer.

I fell to my knees beside her and pulled her out from under the bed. The phone fell from my hands as I took in her body. All there was left of her was blood, bruises and flesh wounds. Her eyes were closed, her heart was still.

She's dead.

I killed her.

I sat there, her head on my knees, her hands in mine. She was still warm, the blood hadn't even dried completely yet. Something wet slid down my cheek and dripped onto her lips. I leaned forward and kissed it away, lingering there, waiting for her to respond to me, like she always did when I kissed her awake like that every morning.

But she didn't.

She just lay there, her eyes closed, her lips cold, her body still.

"Wake up Clary."

Nothing happened.

I kissed her again. Nothing.

"Clary, wake up." She didn't. She just kept sleeping in my arms.

Breathing was painful. It came out in fits and starts, squeezing my lungs and stretching my windpipe. And then I realized.

"No, Clary, you have to wake up, please, please, _please_ wake up!" I lay her on the ground and started on a cardiac message. Runes would be useless on her now.

"Don't you die on me Clary, please, I'm so sorry, I didn't think, please come back so I can make you forgive me, please don't you dare die on me now!" I didn't know if I was sobbing or screaming or begging but I didn't stop apologizing to her. Apologizing to a corpse.

I kept pumping her heart and push air down her throat until my arms hurt so much I could barely push anymore. All of a sudden the door burst open and Magnus, Alec and Isabelle came rushing in.

I ignored them and continued to pump life through her, all the while begging for her to wake up, even threatening her that I'd kill myself if she wouldn't come back this instant.

"COME BACK, GODDAMMIT! CLARY, I NEED YOU!" I didn't care that I was screaming. I didn't care that Isabelle was crying against Alec's shoulder, I didn't care that Magnus told me it was over and that I should stop. I wouldn't stop until she opened her eyes and tells me she forgives me.

How long had she been dead for? Three minutes? Four?

"Come on, you're stronger than this, you're stronger than him, don't let him win Clary, please don't let him win!"

I sure as hell wouldn't let him. But my subconscious whispered that he finally had. Nobody who'd been dead that long would come back. It was over. I killed her. He won.

I sat back and just... stared at her. I barely heard Isabelle whisper _ave atque vale, _barely felt Magnus' reassuring hand on my shoulder, barely noticed the cooling drops of blood running over my hands and sure as hell didn't sense water running down my cheeks and onto her pale face.

The only thing I saw, heard and felt was that I killed her._ I killed her._

"No Jace, you didn't do this, don't take this out on yourself." Alec. He had no idea. None of them had. "You don't understand. She told me. Clary told me that the night he-" I choked, barely able to speak properly anymore. "The night he raped her he made her drink his blood to bind her to him. They've been linked ever since. She told me and I didn't understand. I went to meet him and he just- he told me _**everything! **_Mocked me how he made her scream and cry and I just couldn't take it anymore and I..."

A sound dangerously close to a sob escaped my mouth. "I beat him and now she's _FUCKING _dead! I killed her with my own two hands and there's nothing I can do to change that."

Realization dawned on her faces as they stared at me. Isabelles' hand flew to her mouth, her eyes wide. _She understands. She__ knows what I've done. _Pity was written all over my Parabatai's face, but all I cared for was the dead girl in my arms.

I softly stroked her hair, wiping drops of water and blood from her face as good as I could with my smeared fingers. "I'm so sorry." was all I could force out of my mouth. Nothing. There was nothing left inside me. I didn't want to live anymore. I gave up.

And then – just like that – her eyes flew open.

She struggled to breathe in my arms, sucking in air as if she'd been drowning and someone pulled her out the second her lungs were filled with so much water they threatened to burst.

I don't know if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but I swear her eyes were black for a few moments, before they turned back to the green I loved so much.

I kneeled before her, shell-shocked, my brain not able to compensate what just happened and how someone who's been dead for longer than 5 minutes could simply wake up like that again. Magnus broke me out of my trance as he pushed me aside to get to her. She arched her back off the ground as a horrible cracking noise echoed off the walls of the room. First I thought she broke something because of her thrashing on the floor but somehow her leg seemed to relocate itself back to where it was instead of the painful looking angle it was before.

"Jace, do something for God's sake, I can't heal her like that!" Magnus shouted at me and I instantly sprang to action. I took her by the wrists and Alec tried to grab a hold of her legs bust she seemed incredibly strong and nearly threw the both of us off.

Something wasn't right. She shouldn't be able to do something like that in this state. Hell, she shouldn't be able to do something like that at all!

"_Stop it! I'm healing myself. I don't need your magic!" _That wasn't Clary. It was a strange, contorted rip-off of her voice, like an angry demon spoke through her. _Of course, Jonathan!_

But whether it was Clary or him speaking, it was true. Her nose righted itself with a sickening crack, her bruises slowly faded to leave the pale, smooth skin Clary had before this nightmare broke down over us and her wounds filled with some sort of sticky black liquid before they closed themselves off, skin over flesh and flesh over bone, until she looked as if nothing had ever touched her, if you only ignored the blood she was still drenched in.

Her breathing slowed down and a relieved sigh escaped her mouth. "Jace." She smiled exhausted and stretched her hand out towards me. It felt like my heart started beating again, without me noticing it had even stopped before. I hastily slid towards her, lifting her off the ground and onto the bed where I sat down on the edge, my legs too wobbly to stand anymore.

I cupped her cheek with my shaking hand and gulped. "I am so sorry," was all I said, all I was capable of getting out of my mouth as exhaustion washed over me and threatened to pull me under.

She laid her hand over mine and rubbed her cheek against it.

"You didn't know Jace. And how could you? I wasn't allowed to tell you anything. But I'm okay now."

"But Clary I ju–"

"Please. I'm tired. Can you please just lie down with me?" I wanted to protest further, but I saw how difficult it was for her to keep her eyes open, so I just obeyed and lied down beside her, pulling her against me and basking in her recurred warmth. I kissed her neck, her cheek, the sensitive spot behind her ear. I placed my lips everywhere I could reach, so that she could _feel_ just how sorry I was for everything I'd done tonight.

"It's okay Jace." she murmured. She braided her hand in my hair, her fingers lazily massaging my pounding scalp.

"No it's not. I will never forgive myself for what I've done to you." Even if I did, I could never forget about it. I was sure I'd be dreaming about tonight for the rest of my existence.

All she did was sigh and tuck her head between my chin and shoulder, her breath warming my clammy skin.

She continued stroking me until I was on the verge of sleeping. I nearly didn't hear her say the next words.

"Thank you."

"You don't have anything to thank me for."

"Not you. Jonathan. He gave me his blood." she sighed, her voice getting more and more quiet. "He saved me."

* * *

><p><strong>I really hope you liked it and if so, please leave me a pretty REVIEW okay? I'd just like to know how many people are still reading this, or if I scared you off already.<strong>

**SO PLEASE REVIEW AND THANK YOU FOR READING!**

**~SBT**


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